The once-called Paradise

Bali, the paradise I knew just only a couple years ago has now turned into a concreted one. It’d been a while since I’d been in the Kuta Beach area. Today, looking for a place to go on a sunny day, I thought I’d try my chances and motorbike around with my little kiddo.

Funny though because my first thought was to visit a mall. I guess it was because I wanted a place to hang out and relax with my daughter. Not just that, the mall had popped into my head because it was the first thing we passed. The road to Kuta beach had been swamped with “development” of new hotels, and hotels and….hotels. I decided not to go to Discovery Mall afterall and so went straight ahead to Kuta beach. As Kuta beach now has 2 meter walls alongside it, I turned to look on the right side of the street (across the beach). All the way, I was seeing scaffolds and concrete walls and debris. Another mall had been built and was opened to the public for its soft opening. We decided to stop by. IT WAS HUGE, for Bali standards. Named BeachWalk, it had allsorts from premium brand clothing, to a cinema still in building phase and opening on September 2012. It was a shopping haven for the haves and perfect hang out place for those who longed for a mall. The street had become so cramped with car parks and motorbikes and even more and more restaurants and malls.

Because we could do nothing there, we stepped out in the hot sun and across the street to head for the beach. We walked to the other side of the walls only to find that I was immediately crowded over by sellers and street vendors, offering me knick-knacks, hair-plaiting for my daughter and even temporary tatoos for me. I politely dissuaded them and just stood there. I wanted to sit in the shades so I could just enjoy the sea breeze. But I couldn’t. Apart from the fact that the shady parts of the beach (closer to the wall) were filled with sellers, the also provided seats where you had to pay. I tried to find a quiet spot but couldn’t. Even when I did find a piece of land where I could sit, I felt guilty. I felt that i had to pay just to sit on the beach. and being the person I am, I felt guilty that I was sitting there but hadn’t bought anything. I got so uncomfrtable to the point that I just got up and left. It’s like the “shady” parts were deliberate.

I should think that its just people trying to make an honest living, just like you and I. I just can’t imagine how it will be when these malls open, when tourism is defined non-humanly and when development it pushed to the extreme. Yet it’s a saddening reality. I can’t say that this is happening all over Bali, but since I’ve lived in Jimbaran and worked in Kuta, I feel less and less attracted each day to visit the once beautiful Kuta beach area. Maybe I’m even part of this scheme of migrating to Bali. I just hope I’m not part of the destruction, because it’s now a place I can call home.

 

Relativity according to my 5 year old

So my kid’s school held a fete last Saturday where the items sold were second-hand. A week before the fete, she was asked to collect unused items at home, still in useable condition of course, and label them with a price ranging from 1000-10.000 rupiahs so she could sell them at the fete. She was quite excited decluttering, but again, adult supervision is highly recommended in those situations. And unfortunately she wasn’t given a chance to sell her stuff as the bigger kids were doing so.

Even so, it all came down to some old books she wasn’t reading anymore, some toys and a plastic ducky-bank (it wasn’t a pig). When they were all sorted in groups we got the labels and I gave her the freedom of pricing all her used things. I gave her a confusing tip and said, “These are used items therefore if its too expensive no-one will buy them.” She had heard me use the words “too expensive” one too many times. And now that she had the challenge of pricing things, giving some sort of value, this is what she did…

Stepped up and walked towards the fridge.
Me: “Hey, where are you heading kiddo? Do you want to take a break?”
Naia: “Wait mami…” (while opening the fridge)
Me: “Are you hungry?”
Naia: “Wait mami…” (still with the fridge open and a pen in her other hand)
….
Naia: “How much did you buy this?” (holding a packet of chocolate sprinkles)
Me: “7 thousand.”
Naia: “Ok. And how about this?” (holding a small container of yoghurt)
Me: “8 thousand”
And it went on with her asking 2-3 more items..

She then returned to her books and labels, and started pricing them. I was pretty impressed when she priced her books between 3-7 thousand rupiahs. And inspite of their size, she valued the ones she liked more and thought had better pictures, even more!! Though at times she would push it to 100.000 rupiahs saying it was a good book.

It was amazing to see a 5 year old using the relativity theory, in her own imaginative way to value something. I’m still bewildered how she managed to compare books to groceries but it worked! The brilliant and unique mind of my little carrot (she doesn’t want to be a little pumpkin)…Subhanallah…

 

Inspite of the drama

I know this is totally my fault for letting him get inside my life this way. I know that people say if i didn’t let him make me feel this way, then I wouldn’t have. But this is the reality…he HAS become the bane of my existence. We cannot co-exist and this is a lost battle already, even if I tried. I know I should be blessed with what I have and focus on that. I’ll try.. But for now, the only period of my working days that keep me sane and happy is when I’m in class…Help me Allah…

 

The worst feeling or feeling the worst?

I never thought I’d have the feeling of guilty hate towards someone. It’s when you hate them, but you know that it’s slightly wrong to hate them. Not because that they are innocent, nor because you envy them.

But what if this person is one you’ve known your entire life? And a person you’ve grown to love and respect all these years. And then you find out the truth which you’ve been aboslutely oblivious of all along. You find out that they’ve taken credit for things they haven’t actually achieved. That they’ve taken the person you love unconditionally, ruined that person and left them with the bitterness of a once loving romance. They also take that person away from you, so that during the most significant milestones of your life, that person you love unconditionally would not be there for you. You then find out that this person has broken you and one of the most important people in your life. You discover that all this time it was all masked for the sake of their reputation and thirst for respect. Their regrets become your burden. You want to hate them more than anything else for ruining your life and the one you love, but you just can’t.

You then become a witness of the fall of their feudal regime. Their loss of power. Stripped of all dignity and respect. You watch them hurt others and watch it all come back to them. You see them beg for support as they try to use their old-fashioned ways to win back their once devoted believers and followers. You also watch as they dismantel pieces of their life, bit by bit, until there was nothing left. And you realize the reason why they’re doing this is to merely satisfy and compensate for their self-proclaimed dissapointments in life. Then it comes down to the fact that you are one of their dissappointments. You try to help, helplessly. They cannot be helped because they are ones who feel that help from others will only weaken them. But again, they see themselves as victims in this life. Then you see that person you onced loved crumble to pieces within his own fortress of ego, or whatever was left of it. Their life now dissarray, everybody can see, except himself.

You want to hate them…and you do. But you can’t..because they’re blood. How can you hate your own blood?

 

Snorkeling Safely

Now I’m not an expert in snorkeling, scuba diving, nor freediving. And I’m also not a marine biologist, though, there are just some safety tips here to keep you safe when snorkeling and to keep the sea and its organisms thriving!

1. Make sure you can swim! But if you can’t, and want to see the underwater beauty from a snorkeler’s point of view, then make sure you have a life jacket on and stay with a buddy who is already more comfortable and experienced in the water. Don’t be stupid and wander off alone.

2. Equipment must fit well. From masks to snorkels to fins and life-jackets. Unfitted equipment can cause all kinds of dangers from panic attacks to wounds and lacerations on the skin. To test your mask, stick it on your face without the straps, suck in just a little and look upwards. If it stays on, then it probably fits! But if that doesn’t work either, another way is to gently place it on your face, but not squeezed. If the mask touches your forehead, cheeks, temples (pelipis) and under you nose all at the same time, you’ll be sure to get a perfect fit. With the snorkels, make sure the mouthpiece fits comfortably into you mouth. Fins should be snug and not loose. Too tight and you’ll be getting foot cramps.

3. Entering the waters. You probably think that the best way to enter is to slip your fins on and walk backwards from the shore – well, not always. If the waters are shallow and you have corals living right from the moment you step in, at least try to find a clear space to WALK into and slip you fins on from there. Or swim out a bit, then put your fins on. By recklessly stepping into the waters with fins on regardless of whatever may be growing there, you’ve absolutely contributed to the death of more corals and organisms losing their homes. If you need to fix your equipment or take a breather, either swim back to shore or just do so on the water surface. DO NOT TREAD ON OR STAND ON THE CORAL! Use your common sense people.

4. Don’t touch anything. Remember, we’re guests there. It’s their home. This is also for your own safety.

5. Watch for currents (arus). If you get caught in a current, never try to swim against it. You’ll tire yourself out. Just follow it to wherever it leads while also directing yourself WITH the current to try to get to the nearest shore or land.

6. Drink plenty of water before entering the water. Dehydration can cause cramps too.

7. Breathe. Unless you’re freediving, don’t forget to breathe. For first-timers, breathing through a snorkel may make you feel uncomfortable and cause you to breathe even faster. When you realize this, just take a deep breath, exhale a bit longer and enjoy the underwater fascination.

Safe snorkeling everyone..

 

The Cover-up

I’ve been thinking lately why some people just make it too easy to get on my nerves. They then become the bane of my existence. The frustration and anger builds and eats me up from inside and paralyzes me from thinking creatively, springing up new ideas and also working smarter. My whole day revolves around how to get by and most probably waiting for a perfect moment on how to get back.

 

For those gone too soon and those left to stay

I finally have the chance and heart to write this as a tribute for the close people I have lost, and particularly for those around me who have lost their significant others: unborn babies, children, wives, husbands, and father. Having lost my other half almost 3 years ago, I now look at death from a different pair of glasses. In the past 2 months, I have seen every expression on the people getting left, heard every unspoken word of pain in their voices, saw every drop of tear resembling great sadness and love and watched helplessly as they let life, or death in this matter, happen to their loved ones.

When I lost my husband, grief rushed over me like a flash flood. I was unconsciously trying to adjust to the shock and all that came after that I didn’t know what sort of impact it had on me. Now seeing that process happen from afar (not too far though), I now realize how it changes people. They way that their lives unravel in just a matter of seconds, minutes, days.  And now that I’ve witnessed it, I can imagine how my friends and relatives saw me at that time. I can imagine how difficult it was for them to see someone so crushed. I can also imagine how it bewildered them in thinking of what things to say to me. Words seem so cheap.

To my friend who lost her unborn 38 week old baby. To my next door neighbour who was widowed with 2 children. To another dear friend who lost her 8 year old son. To another friend who lost her husband and 3 weeks later lost her 6 month old unborn baby, widowed with 1 child. To a very close friend who lost her father. And to another close friend who lost his wife…who was also a good friend.

The love that all these people, who have now gone, brought to their families, is undeniable. The hope and happiness they gave to the people and places they knew I’m sure was more than one could give in a 80-year life time. They will me missed and they are irreplaceable. They are remembered as the the ones who “went too soon”.

For those who were left to stay a little longer in this life, I can only say that we are highly resilient. That we, as humans, were each born to take on these things no more and no less of what we are capable of. We were created to withstand both such great happiness and deep sorrow. Letting go is a process not a one point in life. Taking one day at a time and surviving it is a blessing. Grieving is exhausting but also one of many paths that we need to get by. Being patient is about accepting the pain and letting the wounds heal. Crying and feeling will not hurt or hinder loved ones who have passed onto their new “journey”, but they are tears that will release and “humanize” us once again. Sharing the feelings and pain will not burden others. Friends and families will always be there. And there are others, amongst or even close to us, to signify that we’re not alone in this heart-wrenching phase. And, yes, things will get better…

Dedicated to Ka Ita Azly, Mita, Bu Adit, Nana, Paramita, Shinta, and Aria

 

When to give in, not give up

This is one of those blogs that I write just because I can’t share it with anyone, but can share it with everyone through writing. It’s being written on one of those Saturday nights where you just wish you’d be rather be watching a bear riding a bicycle more than anything else. And its usually at the low points that these blogs come to life because they’re packed with feeling and holds the authenticity of the heart synchronized with the mind.

On my second month of a long-distance relationship, I’ve been trying all ways to adjust myself with the new scenario. It wasn’t one we planned to happen for long, being distant, but has anyone ever had a plan that was alter-proof? I’m sure no. So again weaving our lives back into new changes, has been somewhat taking its toll.

I almost forgot what it was like to be in one of these relationships. I also don’t recall ever having a relationship lasting more than 3 years, including my marriage, let alone a long-distant one. I took for granted of how easy it was to adjust. This time round, super-sensitive mode kicked in. Everything became questionable, like, “Hey, why didn’t you reply my messages?”, where in fact, it was the messenger’s fault cause it had been lagging. Every subject of talk becomes a risk and sometimes opportunity to argue and start a less than needed fight. Even jokes and humour can apparently turn into hurtful words turning into a love warfare.

So I decided to divert my current frame of mind to something that could distract me from thinking of the distance. I applied for jobs, just for the fun of it. Just to see whether I could score an interview. And yes, i did! I took a TOEFL prediction test, to see how much my skills had developed. Apparently they hadn’t. Of course with no serious practice, you wouldn’t be able to ace any sort of test. I even started coding in Javascript, thinking it was a new language I could learn from my computer (I actually enjoyed the challenge) and empathize for the blokes at work. Then I decided to bake cookies again. Of course, if baking cookies were just based on avoiding the real problem, then you’d probably have an idea of how those once-so-perfectly-delicious cookies turned out. So now, as my last resort, I’m blogging.

Now, my theory is, none of these distractions actually prevailed as they only served as distractions. The real problem was or is that I can’t get around to letting go of the distance. I wanted everything to be the same and stay the same, in hope that we’d be able to communicate in the same ways we used to. I’m scared as hell with the distance because there have been too many cases where it just destroys.

But one thing we do have is commitment. This is the one thing that I believe will get us or me through the adjustment period, no matter how long it may take. This is the thing that’s holding us together no matter how many obstacles we’ll may bump into. Love takes a leap of faith, and I believe that our commitment IS that leap.

So it’s probably time I gave in and succumb to the situation. Accept that yes, there is a distance, that things will change, maybe not always for the better and then maybe, just maybe my batter will yeild perfectly baked cookies. And then maybe too I’ll be able to up my skills and score myself a real interview, not a bogus one. And who knows, I might even discover a new passion or even revive a long lost one. And I’m sure that I’ll feel happier, comfortable and relaxed with what I have and also the relationship I’m in. Time to give in, but definitely not give up.

 

A wish. A hope. A prayer for this Ramadhan

Aku ingin bahagia.
Aku ingin tetap bahagia bahkan ketika cobaan terus berdatangan. Aku ingin bahagaia tanpa harus menggantungkan kebahagiaanku kepada apapun atau siapapun didunia ini. Aku ingin tetap bahagia, meskipun ada saja orang yang menilaiku dan anakku hanya dari statusku.

Aku ingin ikhlas.
Aku ingin ikhlas dengan semua rangkaian kejadian dalam hidupku. Aku ingin tetap ikhlas walaupun aku sedih, marah, jengkel, kesal dan segala perasaan menyenangkan maupun tidak. Aku ingin ikhkaskan perasaan-perasaanku itu. Aku ingin bisa ikhlas menerima takdir. Karena dengan itu, aku siap melepas segala yang bukan milikku…which is everything.

Aku ingin bersyukur.
Karena aku tahu, dengan bersyukur, disitulah aku bisa ikhlas. Dengan ikhlas aku akan terlepas dari rasa terbebani. Dan dengan ikhlas itu aku akan bahagia dan tenang menjalani hidup ini.

Aku ingin bangun sebuah keluarga.
Walau keluarga itu hanya berdua dengan Naia, atau bertiga dengan dirinya nanti. Keluarga yang terbentuk oleh penyatuan karakter-karakter manusia yang berbeda, dengan nilai-nilai yang mungkin berbeda pula. Keluarga yang khas, bukan seperti keluarga dia, maupun aku, maupun mereka. Keluarga yang terbentuk karena ikatan-ikatan batin orang-orang didalamnya. Keluarga yang saling menjaga, menyayangi, sejalan dalam usaha menerapkan nilai-nilai hidup yang islami, untuk mencapai kebahagiaan awal tadi, bahagia tanpa syarat. Sedikit paradoks memang, syarat utk mencapai sesuatu yang tanpa syarat. Aku ingin keluarga yang ikhlas dengan segala yang sudah dibangun bersama dan ikhlas dengan segala tenaga, usaha dan perasaan yang telah dikeluarkan untuk keluarga tersebut. Keluarga yang bersyukur yang bukan dinilai hanya dari benda-benda duniawi ataupun ukuran-ukuran duniawi saja. Keluarga dengan perasaan utuh.

Ini doaku. Harapanku. Doa yang sungguh egois, hanya untuk diriku. Tapi, mudah-mudahan bukan hanya untuk kebahagiaanku saja.

 

Persamaan kita

Saya dulu sempat dibuat bingung oleh ulah-ulah pekerja rumah tangga (PRT) di rumah saya. Dari mulai verbal abuse terhadap anak saya sampai yang cuma betah 1 hari. Ada juga yang suka banget makan, sampai beras 5 kilo utk 1.5 orang hanya bertahan selama 10 hari. Tapi, dari semua PRT yang tidak bertahan itu, ada suatu kesamaan. Mereka keluar dengan alasan yang sama, well, hampir sama lah. Yaitu gaji. Memang mereka tidak menyebutkan secara gamblang bahwa gaji mereka kurang, tetapi cerita-cerita post-resignation mereka yang membuktikan.